I read a quote this week and it hit me hard– right in the heart, or gut, or whatever it is that takes your breath and makes you feel like you’ve been smacked in the head and you can suddenly see how it all makes sense.
“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would look like and learn to find the joy in the story you’re living.”
I didn’t quite realize it as it was happening- but looking back I can see that it did happen. I prayed for it to happen, and in that moment while scrolling facebook I realized that indeed, I had found the JOY of the story I’m living.
Life is such a mystery, it’s a crazy thing that often makes no sense— to me-infertility, for instance, made no sense. When I laid out plans for my life, they included a husband, a dog, and several happy children- who would grow up, go to school, graduate, get married, have lots of grand babies for me to enjoy… They certainly did not include being unable to have children or adopting and parenting a special needs child from Eastern Europe. My life’s plans certainly didn’t include weekly therapy appointments, dealing with severe anxieties, or PTSD, but you know, that’s the thing– sometimes God flips all your plans upside down and gives you exactly the opposite of what you thought you always needed and it turns out to be your biggest blessing. I’m so thankful that our Heavenly Father knows what is best for each of us, and even when it is HARD–and let me tell you, it is hard– to let go of those hopes, dreams, and plans you’ve made, there is ALWAYS something to find joy in. Always. And sometimes I think it’s a gradual process– it was for me, for years after our adoption my heart ached- it longed for the life I had imagined in my head– it literally, physically hurt for the life that my daughter had lived and the life she would live. The fact that she would never have the same experiences of her peers was a heavy, wet blanket over my daily thoughts– but as time passed, I realized that the more I focused my attention to the JOY all around us, in her sweet, precious spirit, the light in her smile, the love of my husband and the safety in knowing we are in this together– all the old aches started to fade and all that was left is the absolute joy we have in this life we have been blessed with. This may not even make sense, but I guess what I’m trying to say is this– if you are in that place where you can’t see the joy for the heartache, hold on– it’s coming. If you’re looking around and all you see is your dashed dreams, know that God can mend your broken heart and give you peace and joy. When you can only see what has gone ‘wrong’, make a commitment to search for the joy– you might really have to look hard, but it’s waiting to be found! <3
